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And these walls...
This is for my family, who reads my lj, so, no one who is not related to me feel obligated, unless it is to remind me of other things I want.

00g Silicone plugs in black (go to Hot Topic, look confused, and they will help you, mom. All you need to remember is black, 00, silicone, k?) cause they're squishy. Yay for squishy earrings.
Hello Kitty messenger bag
Anything by Dane Cook, so that I will laugh.
Gift certificate to Express, so I can have clothes for work. (If you decide to buy me shirts, think light blue or light yellow, or green. Stinkin uniforms)
Hooded sweaters and sweatshirts are always welcome.
Alias Season 4 on DVD.
National Treasure on DVD.
Socks- black or white... yeah, I'm asking for socks.
A larger memory card for my camera.
A new radio transmitter thingy for my iPod.
Any HIM Cd.
Chevelle Cd
Or... a gift certificate to the iTunes Music store and I'll get it myself.
Picture Frames... maybe with pictures in them... who knew?
A planner.
Scene It
a new pillow would be nice
Stuffed animals are always welcome.
Mac eyeshadow is always welcome.
I would totally dig shoes.
You know I love books... Now I have time to read. I want classic literatue, American lit, or European... doesn't matter...
Hat and gloves are always welcome...cause I'll go through 18 pairs this year...

I think that should do it.
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this camera.

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The beauty of yesterday is that it never has to answer to tomorrow
instead, it promises the demise of sorrow
and will stand proud as I fall and watch this madhouse give me sanctuary in this asylum.
I will stand in the middle of this room mesmerized by the candles on the edges of the walls wishing
for the light to be gone wishing for the sleep that will give me the rest to rejuvenate this temporary loss of sanity
and I will find comfort in the laugh of the brilliant madman who cannot provoke emotion to flow forth.
and you.
you are gone from me like the joy that once enraptured me
gone like the warmth that once fueled the fire of this passion.

This chill has penetrated the depth of my bones and my blood curdles with the shrieks around me.
the exit.
Exits were once numbered and easy to distinguish.
Exits once had entrances for when I
changed my mind.
Honestly I dishonestly change my mind whenever I feel the need
I don't think my mind has a clue what my soul or body needs...
Right now I need to leave
this cold sanctuary of apathy that you have left me in.
Right now I need to believe
that somewhere something or someone exists
solely for me.
Right now... I need the door.
I think I will head down the hallway of damaged goods and find the door to an
alternate reality
where people get
personality makeovers
with lobotomy knives.
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I wander the halls fingertips at the walls and I wonder
ponder the reality of the moments that have brought me to this moment
I reminisce about the daydreams of yesterday and ponder
ponder the demise of my former reality and accept the moment that had driven me to be
to be me... now.
the sparkle of this snow will flicker against the color of eyes unseen
I wonder what it is like to be someone other than me.
stuck in this monotony of broken dreams
lost hearts
and my mind dances in this dark hallways and I wander the maze of my understanding.
how shifted my reality has become.
where can I find the truth in a world of subjective veracity and when will I lapse into the falacy that has driven you to lie to me?
I don't know.
and where do these hallways lead in the synapses that rule me?
the chemicals that control my emotions have reacted to form a nuclear explosion erasing
everything I once was.
I now exist in cotton candy realities
right next to your security blanket of memories.
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I have perhaps reached the breaking point where everything else but me no longer matters and maybe just maybe I have lost my soul in this stretch of reality praying for...
things unknown by others.
I cry out and the truth of the matter is that I have gotten to this point through the distress of the revelations you have given to me and me alone
and I'm so tired of playing this game of blame with so much disdain for the reality of tomorrow's disgrace.
I will dream of answers and wish only to wake up to your face
and roll over and realize that it is your soulful eyes I dream of nightly.
make me
want to be so much more
than midnight epiphanies and the labels that have been given to me.
You make me
reach out grow up dream harder live faster.
Perhaps I have never expressed it in words understandable because I am no longer able to say what I think
you turn me into...
what I have always wished to be.
And I will spend this night
were here.
I will be waiting for you in our secret refuge
until you, my friend, my rock, return
to the arms so faithfully waiting for you.
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these nights overwhelm my sense of security with a distaste for serenity
eleven days
12 nights
dreaming of a place I cannot be in a heart I cannot find
and your apathy overwhelms me with a desire for passions that never tire
find you.
at what cost can i find the lost and what price must I pay for the lives that haunt me
in nightmares so vivid.
I miss the light that used to lead me down paths unseen throughout the realities of my own fantasy
instead I will fall into the inadequacy of insecurity and
drown without screaming
fall with out trying to catch myself
and live like the answers once existed.
I wish for the warmth of arms that have long grown cold in the sweet blue mask of your own answers.
I will never wake from this nightmare
of cold nights and black cats and foggy rainfall
selflessness of another will never find me
and I will sink into my own destruction from the criticism that has been so freely given
of backstabbing answers and I will learn to play
the games of my nightmares.
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I graduate in December.

How surreal.

Grad school in September.


Current Mood: weird weird
Current Music: The Red- Chevelle

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fall back
tug on heartstrings to play a song so dramatic and bittersweet
with your logic filled rationale
and emotion filled distaste.

I don't know
how to say the ways I have met my match in apathy
the wood of my bonehouse has become brick.
the windows to my soul are boarded up to disguise
the true emotions so I can play these games like
nothing phases me.

Reality will fade to fantasy intimate
tearing to fields of emotion fertilized by.... my teardrops.

I will..... fall forward now
face down six feet up in the air with
the realization of. things said misinterpreted.
lost love. lost friends. I am now nothing. I am now lost.

I will wander these skeleton filled streets
listening to songs played by the heartstring harps
made from my deceitful apathy.

for the phoenix of you to rise up
from the ashes of
my emotion.
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This is my modern version of Robert Frost's The Road Not Taken....

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood
and sorry I could not travel both
I fell behind
tried to travel both
oft trampling through the undergrowth
impulse overcame my rationale and I
forgot to look before I leap.
Both were equally fair
I dreamed of each, regarding their wear
Regarding their claim and respective paths
turning quickly out of my sight.
Back to the beginning.
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood
and sorry I could not travel both
realization overcomes me-
two feet-one body-one mind-one soul-
one path to travel.

Should I wait for the path to beckon?
abandon the first and try for the second?
sit here until time pushes me down paths unseen?
walk down the familiar and dream of the exotic?
walk down the unknown and risk damage neurotic?

advice leads to the familiar from hands concerned.
waking at this fork I imagine a path... third.
it does not exist.
I wait.
I rebel against convention and throw caution to the other side.
I venture quickly to the road not taken and act decisively on impulse.
searching for a story devoid of shame and remorse
I walk on stones untouched by the decay of humanity
unmarked by calamity
I climb over walls and walk through tunnels
these obstacles make me.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
perhaps a shout or cry
somewhere after decades have gone by.

Two roads diverged in a wood- and I
wrongly I tried to travel both then
I took the one less traveled by-
overcoming obstacles
and that has made all the difference.
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So I had a fun little shopping excursion last night with Bradd and Mel...Mel and I tried to let this kid hit on Bradd but Bradd was so cute and clueless.

I am home sick from work once again, but my doctor can't squeeze me in until tomorrow at 4 to draw blood... I know he will, because every time I go in, the first thing he does is take blood and urine. "Your elbow hurts? Blood and urine!" Twenty minutes later: "you have an acute form of pneumonia. That is why your elbow hurts."

Soo... I'm about 75% that I will be going to grad school next fall. I'm so damn masochistic, but I figure if I just keep going, I'll die before I have to pay the government back. I'm going to look at U of M Ann Arbor (although the very thought of parking down before 9 pm on a weekday there makes me have an anxiety attack), Wayne State, West Virginia University, and something in Texas... and you all know why I would move to Texas. Right. I'm getting my portfolio together, which means sooner or later I will be taking votes on which poems my friends liked best. I'm thinking I'll start a poetry filter for those of you who find my poetry emo and boring.

Aside from that, everyone should go to Switch at the I-Lounge in the basement of Clutch Cargos tomorrow at 9. Bradd and Chris Rohn will be spinning and free drinks from 9-10. Get your asses up there or I'll pop a cap in your ass. West Side represent over on da East Side. If you come, I will rap for you. Or... Bradd will rap for you, because I am bad at it. Or maybe I'll just do my little happy dance that has amused many in times of trouble. Sean? Vicki? You remember the happy dance from bowling...

If you aren't feeling like you've gotten out lately, you could always come up and support yours truly at the Meetery Eatery on Friday night for a poetry slam... I'm going to be reading and I haven't read in, like, 7 years, so I'm super nervous. They have lots of MEAT that I will not eat, but you can eat all of mine, too! I'm going to go eat grass or somethin and then write a poem about eating grass.

And... what are YOU up to?

Current Mood: sick sick
Current Music: You Owe Me an IOU- Hot Hot Heat

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